First > Most

I was recently plugging various expenses into our budget (I am unashamedly a spreadsheet nerd when it comes to our finances) when I had a very humbling realization.

Our monthly tithe isn’t the largest line item in our budget.

This shouldn’t have been a major surprise to me. I’m religious about keeping up with every penny we spend and I can tell you—or at least my spreadsheet can—every dollar our family has spent since my wife and I got married in 2014. I know our numbers inside and out.

Yet, sometimes, out of nowhere, we just see things differently. And that’s what happened to me this particular morning.

Generosity has always been important to me personally, and then for both me and my wife once we became married. There is zero doubt in my mind that seeing my parents model generosity for me and my sister when we were young had a lasting impact on me. I have vivid memories of sitting in “big church” with them as a child and my dad letting me drop their tithe check into the offering plate as it was passed around. (A great parenting reminder for all of us that more truly is caught than taught).

As a believer in Christ, supporting our church and other ministries financially has always been a way for me to live out my faith. There is no shortage of Scripture verses backing this up. And a core belief of mine for quite some time now has been “giving breaks the power of money.”

These reasons are exactly why I became rather frightened when I had the realization that we had several monthly expenses greater than the amount we give back to God. Which then led me down an inward spiral of questions.

Can I really claim to be a Christian when I spend so much of my money is spent on things unrelated to my faith?

Does God bless us in proportion to how much of our income is given to the church?

For any area or single item in our budget that amounts to more than our tithe, does that make it an ‘idol’ in my life?

There I was, sitting in front of my computer, the only one in the house awake at the time, completely lost in thought and questioning so many of the financial decisions I had made up to that point. I could even feel a small amount of anxiety start to build up inside of me.

And then, almost suddenly, I felt the Lord say something to me.

Tanner, I want your First, not your Most.

I rested in that thought for a few minutes and, as I did, was reminded of numerous areas in my life in which I had subconsciously been questioning if my actions really lined up with my priorities. And while my initial thought was centered around money and how I was using it, I quickly realized much of the guilt I was carrying had far more to do with these other areas than it did with money.

As I continued to sit in this thought that First > Most, those feelings of anxiety started to disappear. There is something so calming about truly feeling God’s grace and feeling freed up to be an imperfect human.

So what does this look like on a practical level? Below are a few of the areas—as simple as some of them they may be—in which I’ve often felt guilty that the amount of time, energy, and attention I give to something or someone indicates a lack of importance to me. It’s in each of these areas that I’m very imperfectly striving to maintain the mindset of First > Most in my roles of disciple, husband, and father.

Daily Quiet Time

When I pause to really ponder this, I think the biggest guilt I have is not how much of my money is God getting, but how much of me is God getting?

As a believer, spending time alone with God each morning is both important and necessary. Yet so are many other things. For me, one of these many ‘other’ things is working out each morning. It’s important to me that I take care of both my mind and my body each day. The quiet hours of the morning are also the only time I have to write, something I really enjoy and often find therapeutic.

Soon after I had the realization about money, it dawned on me that the time I devote each morning to working out is sometimes—and even often—greater than the length of my quiet time each day.

Oh no, does this make working out an idol in my life?

(Enter God’s grace…again)

I’m quickly reminded that the first thing we are given to steward is our physical bodies. It’s the only thing we’re born with. Therefore, prioritizing health is a form of expressing gratitude for a gift given directly from God.

So, for now, there’s grace in the First part of my morning being spent giving thanks to God, reading several passages of Scripture, and inviting Him into my day, with Most of my morning spending time and attention on the physical body He gave me.

Scripture Before Screens

Within the first part of each morning that is spent with the Lord, something I am working diligently to become better at is not touching a screen until I have read several passages of Scripture and spent time in prayer.

This comes after another humbling realization that my face spends more time in front of a screen than in front of God’s Word.

I spend hours in front of a screen each day. Much of my workday involves reviewing accounts, preparing reports, attending Zoom meetings, writing and answering emails, etc. — all of which are done while I stare at a computer screen. When I want to detach from work, I often find myself scrolling through social media, tracking the latest ‘thing’ I ordered on Amazon (as if its arrival will make me happy once and for all), launching endless jabs at my buddies in our group chat, and so on. Both the productive and the unproductive parts of my day are spent with my face staring at a screen.

Because a screen is present during a large chunk of my day—and I humbly admit, the amount of nonessential screen time needs to be re-examined—does this mean I need to spend at least that amount of time in my Bible each day to prove to God that He is more important to me?

Tanner, I want your First, not your Most.

The practice of Scripture Before Screens is my way of giving God both the First and the Best of my attention (an undervalued source of capital) each morning before technology—both deservedly and undeservedly—grabs it the rest of the day.

To be fully transparent—and to keep from getting called out by said buddies in my group chat who often receive texts from me first thing in the morning after I catch up on all that happened in the chat while I was sleeping—this one is rather new for me. However, the initial results of this ‘experiment’ have been off the charts. Perhaps the best Return on Habit (RoH?) I can think of.

It comes directly from Justin Whitmel Early’s book The Common Rule. If you have time to read only one book this year, I highly encourage you to make it this one. There are several men in my life who practice this habit and who all stand firm on this being the single most important habit they live out each day. I can already see the benefits in my own life as well.

Husband Before Father

An example less spiritual than the ones above, yet no less important to me, is me wrestling with the fact that my kids get the Most of my energy and attention, rather than my wife.

Early on in my marriage, I remember hearing someone—I wish I could remember who it was so I could give them the proper credit—encourage husbands to greet their wives first when walking in the door from work before acknowledging their kids. This simple practice reminds the wife of her importance to her husband, and it also demonstrates to the kids that the role of husband comes before the role of father.

This stuck with me when I heard it and is something I’ve tried to prioritize since becoming a father.

So this works absolutely perfect with my kids sitting still like perfect angels until I have had the chance to spend a few minutes with my wife once I walk in the door, right? I think we all know the answer to this.

Typically, it looks like my 18-month-old running to the door giggling with her arms stretched out for me to sweep her up off the floor, only to then weave through a maze of toys scattered on the floor, leading both me and my daughter (who is now in my arms panting with excitement that I am home) to have to duck under my 5-year-old son who is climbing up the doorframe leading into our kitchen (everyone else’s kid does this too, right? Right?!), before finally arriving at my wife in the kitchen where we greet each other with a hug and a kiss.

Exactly how the guy drew it up when he challenged all husbands to greet their wife before their kids.

While it’s not picture perfect—and while I will never, ever, ever wish away my kids showing uncontrollable excitement when I walk through the door from work—it’s simply where we are. It can be frustrating at times knowing that my wife and I don’t get the amount of quality alone time that each of us would like, because at this stage in our lives with the ages our kids are at, they will receive just about every second of our attention until the minute they are both down for bed, at which point we often find ourselves utterly exhausted and ready for sleep ourselves. Yet, again, there is grace in knowing that I can still offer my wife the First of me before my kids get the Most of me.

Giving Before Enjoying

So, back to where this entire thought started: money. What does First > Most look like in this area?

(Quick note: I may use the words “I” and “me” quite a bit, but my wife and I are very much united in this area, view everything as ours together, and make all financial decisions as one).

For us, it simply means that—for now, and always subject to change—God gets the First of our income each month, even if it’s not the Most. Before any dollar is spent, a certain percentage is set aside to be given to our church and other ministries we feel called to support.

Even though it was only recently that I had this mini-meltdown questioning what it said about me that God doesn’t get Most of my money, the seeds for the First > Most realization were planted a year or two ago during a conversation I had with my pastor.

We were on the golf course—where all great conversations take place—after I had told him I simply wanted to spend some time with him. While we are in two totally different industries, our paths to our current roles have many similarities. So, I told him I wanted to talk to him about how he approached the various challenges he faced along the way.

Somehow, finances came up in our conversation. And because our conversation had been pretty candid leading up to this point, I carried this candidness over into our discussion on finances.

I shared the specific percentage of our income we were giving to the church each year, and that we had been increasing that percentage each year. (I hesitate to even write that here at risk of it coming across as a “look at me!” moment. However, it’s difficult to share the rest of the story without including this detail.)

With a somewhat puzzled look on his face, he asked, “Why are you increasing your giving each year?” Being the wise pastor that he is, he was already one step ahead of me and likely knew what my response would to be.

I replied, “Well, I’m not really sure. It just seems like something that would please God.”

He followed up with, “Have you prayed and actually asked God how much He wants you to give?”

“Um…well…no, I haven’t.”

He then said something I never thought I’d hear a pastor say.

“Tanner, maybe you should consider giving less money away. God doesn’t need your money. He’s not up in Heaven living tithe check to tithe check, wondering how He’s going to fund his blessings to people if you don’t increase your giving this year.”

Excuse me? Are you implying that I should give less to the church, which just so happens to be the very church you lead?! (As if our tiny monthly tithe was the difference in whether the church could keep the lights on for another month).

Before anyone starts to question whether my pastor should still have a platform from which to preach after suggesting that I consider giving less of my money to the church, there was more context behind his statement that I’m unable to share here due to time and space. He never explicitly told me that I should give less money to the church, but instead that I should pray about how much God wanted me to give to the church, rather than giving a certain percentage out of guilt instead of out of obedience.

In addition, his encouragement was that he believed God wanted me to freely use the money He had given me to bless the very people for which He had given me direct responsibility: my wife and kids. Specifically, making my wife a greater priority in my life and literally spending money to invest in our marriage.

My takeaway from his comments was clear: taking care of my family—through both their needs and their wants—with the resources God has given me honors Him just as much as whatever amount I give back to the church.

So, fast forward to the morning when I began questioning everything all over again. The conversation with my pastor from a year prior had clearly worn off and I had already drifted back into my legalistic way of thinking.

That’s when I heard God whisper, I want your First, not your Most, and soon after that I was reminded of something I heard author Bob Goff share at a conference I attended a few years prior.

“God is the person behind the camera smiling as he takes the picture of you.”

It immediately dawned on me that God delights in our enjoyment of the blessings He has given us. This is demonstrated in 1 Timothy 6:17-19, which says that God “richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment.” Nehemiah 8, John 2, and John 12 also contain examples of God’s people glorifying Him through the enjoyment of actual material things.

God then brought back to mind the conversation I had with my pastor, and what felt like a slide show began playing in my mind of all the fun experiences we had enjoyed as a family over the past year as a result of him encouraging me to prayerfully reconsider how much we were called to give as a family and how much we were called to enjoy as a family.

And it was as if God was behind the camera smiling as each one of those pictures were taken.

A few quick disclaimers:

1. This is in no way prescriptive advice on how much or how little someone should give. The whole point is that generosity is a personal decision and one that should be made from obedience, not obligation. If tomorrow God puts on my heart that we are supposed to give a larger percentage of our income away—even if it’s Most of our income—then I will be held accountable for how I respond to that.

2. I’m also not implying that after God receives a percentage of our income, we can do whatever we want with the rest. The Bible is overly clear that we are to be good stewards of all that He has given us. While Most of our money may not be given directly to Him, how we use the Most does matter to Him.

3. Along with my pastor’s suggestion to pray about giving less of our income came a deservedly blunt challenge to consider giving more of my time to both the church and to others, as our candid conversation quickly revealed how selfish I can be with my time. It reminded me that generosity encompasses all forms of capital, yet we—or at least I—often measure generosity solely in amounts of money.

It truly is my hope that one day—most likely at a much different stage in life—the amount of capital I allocate to each of these areas will be flipped and that each area will not only receive my First, but also my Most.

Most of my time each morning given to God rather than to fitness and our busy morning routine as a family.

Most of my attention spent on God’s Word rather than on technology.

Most of my energy given to my wife and our marriage rather than to our kids. (For the record, I love my kids! I’m not advocating for less time with them, but for more time with my wife).

Most of my money given to the church and other Kingdom purposes rather than just the First.

Until then, there is grace in the realization that Less isn’t necessarily More, but Less is Enough.

Are there any areas in your life in which you feel discouraged that what is First in your heart doesn’t always get the Most of your capital? If so, I encourage you to rest in the grace that, during certain seasons of our lives, God may be trying to softly remind you that First > Most.